11:07 a.m. - 2006-03-22
NEWS
Wow, it's been a dreadfully long time since I have updated! I am so very sorry for that!
I am back in Texas, have been since Christmas time. After my return to Alaska from visiting my sister and family in Baltimore, John had a manic meltdown. He is mildly bipolar, if there is such a thing. Man......

So I took my pregnant self back to Texas as fast as my bootless feet could carry me!!!

Did I share with you all that I'm preggers??? Yep! Due sometime near August 1st, which is incidentally the hottest part of the Texas summer, this baby is destined to be a Leo...just as cocky as his/her father!!
I'm unsure just yet what I'm going to have, but I think it's probably a little girlie. I should know by next Friday, and I'll be sure to post it here.

You know, when I sum up the last few months of my life in type it seems so sanitary and easy. It was anything but.
It's been painful, scary, challenging and empowering. I returned to Texas with my tail between my legs, pregnant and constantly alternating between feelings of abandonment, and a cyclical awareness of my totally fucking dysfunctional relationship choices.

In the beginning I was trying to decide exactly WHAT I should do. During this time John was constantly attempting contact, sending me into rages, and clouding my judgement. You see, when he had his little meltdown, he threw me out of the house, into the snow, pregnant. At the time it seemed unforgivable.....and for some time he was nothing more to me that a big 'ol stinkin' pile of SHIT! But.......I am a forgiving person....and I understand, at least to some degree, mental health and it's absolute disillusionment. Plus, a part of me wanted it to work, despite the craziness.

Eventually, I ran a borderline on him regarding his mental health, and told him that if he wanted anything to do with his child, he needed to open his mind up to medication.
Some counselling and a few lithium prescriptions later we are getting along beautifully, especially considering the emotional trainwreck that was our relationship just a few months back.

He is still in Alaska, and I in Texas, which has encouraged us to learn how to communicate with one another effectively. Hopefully it is strong enough for a real relationship because he's moving here in three days. That's right, his flight arrives very early this Saturday morning. I am happy he is coming.....I only wonder if I'm being completely naive. Hoping some prayers are being said on my behalf.

Hope all are well!!!!

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